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I keep brokenheartedness nearby. It is good to know I can break. Be human at least one more day. The transformation not yet complete. There is a shift that happens in a man where he stops concerning himself with what he could have and starts concerning himself with what he has.
I am tired. The way of an old cathedral. The way of a farmer’s dusty dog. Still walking in life. Still reaching. But not running after anything. Experience lends patience. If it is here today it will be here tomorrow. True of problems but not people. It would be more true to say that people may not be here tomorrow but the right people will be here tomorrow. Time does the straining. Time puts people where they belong. Wherever they go. After the straining I have never known what to do with people.
There are dragons in need of slaying, so many monsters that need destroying. A man must be very deliberate with his destruction. Systematic. But people are not systematic. They don’t understand queues and stages of life. Humans speak the language of desire and need and sadness. Humans understand the skinny present moment and the small streaming consciousness that goes through it.
People speak of dying for a person but dying is easier than living. Living for someone is harder. Living is true sacrifice. Because parts of you will die long before the lights go out and you will have to keep breathing.
I am in those twilight hours. A condominium building with flickering lights. When all the lights in the windows are out I will be gone. I am not ready to die. I am tired. Weary from living, watching the sun set on cardiac skyline. I am happy. Sad. So sad. Waterfalls frozen and rushing. Another light blinks out in another window. Another piece of me has died.
I mourn in my own way. And I cannot get inside of this slick sphere. Cannot penetrate, move it. Like a weight in my hand. I drag love. A burden. Love has always been tumorous for me. A mass of flesh inside. Neither doing nor being done to. Serving no purpose but to add weight and take up space. A gallstone that cannot be passed.
I am not brave. I am hardly even man. Strip away the little that is left and see how small I am. There is so little dignity left for them to take away. Like finding a barely breathing baby bird. The only thing to do is sit and wait and hope.
JaiHind.. 🇮🇳.. JaiBharat..
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