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I recently read a fantastic book by Ryan Holiday called Ego is the Enemy. The book provides a very compelling argument for why ego hurts us, and also shares some practical suggestions about how we can manage our ego.
I have definitely been a victim of my ego in the past. I have also seen others (close friends and colleagues) who have made poor decisions, or have generally been unhappy, because of their ego. So this book strongly resonates with me.
What do we mean when we discuss ego? As Holiday writes:
“The ego we see
most commonly goes by a more casual definition: an unhealthy belief in our own importance. Arrogance. Self-centered ambition… It’s that petulant child inside every person, the one that chooses getting his or her way over anything or anyone else. The need to be better than, more than, recognized for, far past any reasonable utility — that’s ego. It’s the sense of superiority and certainty that exceeds the bounds of confidence and talent.”
So why is ego the enemy? There are several reasons:
Keeps you out of touch with reality
Creates unrealistic expectations and entitlement
Makes you dependent on external validation
“If ego is the voice that tells us we’re better than we really are, we can say ego inhibits true success by preventing a direct and honest connection to the world around us… The ways this separation manifests itself negatively are immense: We can’t work with other people if we’ve put up walls. We can’t improve the world if we don’t understand it or ourselves. We can’t take or receive feedback if we are incapable of or uninterested in hearing from outside sources.”
Creates unrealistic expectations and entitlement
Ego makes you assume that you “deserve” some outcome — a job offer, a promotion, a sports win, etc. — because of your past efforts. It creates a feeling of entitlement: I want what’s mine, what’s due to me. I know what I deserve.
“Entitlement assumes: This is mine. I’ve earned it. At the same time, entitlement nickels and dimes other people because it can’t conceive of valuing another person’s time as highly as its own. It delivers tirades and pronouncements that exhaust the people who work for us and with us, who have no choice other than to go along. It overstates our abilities to others, it renders generous judgment of our prospects, and it creates ridiculous expectations.”
Makes you dependent on external validation
If you let your ego take too much control of yourself, you become incredibly dependent on external validation. This validation may take the form of:
Press coverage, mentions within internal company communications, applause from a crowd
The praise and admiration of your family, friends, boss, and colleagues
Extrinsic signals like a higher compensation, big house, fancy car, expensive vacations, impressive title
Social media likes and follows
Your ego needs and craves this external validation in order to feel satisfied.
“Ego needs honors in order to be validated. Confidence, on the other hand, is able to wait and focus on the task at hand regardless of external recognition… [With ego], we need to be recognized. We need to be compensated. Especially problematic is the fact that, often, we get that. We are praised, we are paid, and we start to assume that the two things always go together. The ‘expectation hangover’ inevitably ensues.”
Do something, don’t try to be somebody
Focus on effort, not outcomes
Make other people successful
Do something,
Don’t try to be somebody
JaiHind.. JaiBharat..
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