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🌅 India Rising
“I grew up,” I said to myself.
Today isn’t even my birthday, and I feel like I grew up. I don’t know why. Maybe it was because I’ve been able to survive lately? Or because I’m not complaining about things again? Strange, but..true.
Never felt like an adult. Either never wanted (even back then) to be an adult. Life teaches me to let go and continue what is right while trying to fix what is wrong. So basically, I just try to figure out how adult life usually works, the rest? I rarely understand this phase.
I beg for clarity, to deep-knowing what is going on in my life, questioning almost everything that happens to me logically to get clarity. But one that I learned from being an adult. It was hard to find the right or the wrong in it because life gives us many things to face, things that sometimes make me afraid and sometimes make me wonder why I have to do it. Someday I can see something was wrong but the other day it suddenly change. Or, maybe, things never change, but my perception is.
I was busy forgiving other people’s mistakes but hard getting forgiveness from others. Living with many mistakes, shame, and incompetence has been the most painful wound I’ve given myself. Not to mention the ones that have to do with other people, I sometimes wonder, where does all this patience come from? Because when I looked back to see my younger self, I through so many hard times.
I’ve been sitting in the corner for almost two hours, ordered a hot chocolate many times, and finished two biscuits. I promised not to drink coffee on my days off, and this is the fourth week I’ve kept that promise.
While I was busy organizing my thoughts, I was distracted by a couple sitting across from me. They seemed to be celebrating a special day, there was a flower.
I smiled. I was unconsciously expecting it.
I have been broken so many times, learn to accept, deal to heal. It was never been easy, I keep putting myself last and putting others in my first circumstance and maybe that was the reason why I always felt broken and not enough to express myself more to others.
I mean, I was a little girl back then. A little girl who was never expected would have such a never-ending journey to get something she’s still figuring out even now. A little girl who has her dream wedding dress when she’s only 10th, The girl who will clingy when receives a hot chocolate on her first period day. I was that kind of girl, back then.
But I grew up, I feel like it’ll be hard- to be that kind of girl again. I grew up learning to live with prudence and faced many considerations, always in ‘don’t show the real you’ mode because not everyone has a gentle heart. And then I was frightened and afraid to show that side.
I kept putting it off because most of my days were filled with regrets and resolving my mistakes from the past. Until finally I unconsciously refused to let it all out because I felt I didn’t deserve it when I still made many mistakes in my life.
Piled up, buried, and then disappeared.
In the end, I lost that side. Those who were close to me forgot I had that side. People didn’t even know I had that side.
I never ask them to come and fill my soul again, because, I grew up. I (feel) had no time for these things.
I smile again, mirroring myself while looking out the window.
“I wish they know that I ain’t born this way,” I said, hoping that someone could hear (including myself).
JaiHind.. 🇮🇳 JaiBharat..
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