Embracing The Uncertainty ..

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Why Not Knowing Can Be a Powerful Path to Growth..

Some time ago I met a friend, whom I hadn’t seen for a long time. He was living abroad, and we lost touch for a while. After he contacted me, I was filled with excitement at the thought of a catch-up about all the juicy details of our lives. I couldn’t wait to meet him and get the latest updates about what he’d been up to.

We went for a nice morning walk on the beach, telling each other about the important things that had happened in our lives. We talked about our joys and struggles, recent inspirations, and current projects. We had a pleasant time filled with mutual connection, care, stimulating conversations, and laughter. But as our meeting drew to a close, my friend gave me unexpected feedback:

“I have a feeling that you don’t really know what you want,” he said.

I was surprised. “Say more, please,” I responded.

He called me out on my indecisiveness about my future career plans, the way I mentioned the person I’m dating without defining the nature of our relationship, and even questioned why I wanted to meet with him if there was no specific reason, except to hang out.

Although I felt comfortable with not having all the answers, it seemed to me that in his eyes my life was unproductive and my approach to it, rather indecisive. I was probably perceived as a life-long options explorer. While for my part, I wanted to remain open without permanently sealing my life plan.

Later, as I reflected on our meeting, I wondered why uncertainty is frequently looked upon so negatively.

Knowing is progress

As we grow, we are not only encouraged to learn but also rewarded for knowing. We get good grades when we know the answer, and our desired job when we successfully demonstrate our skills in the specific field. Knowledge is associated with growth and progress. Over the centuries, the use of reasoning, scientific data collection, and the experimental approach helped to develop accurate models of the world.

“Such models [of knowing] were conceived to be “true” in the sense that they described ontology (the way the world was) in a manner that was separate from subjective impressions. The Periodic Table of Elements is a great example (…)”.

There is no doubt that our society is constructed around knowledge. But can our lives be modeled as the periodic table of elements? Is not knowing just a sign of immaturity and indecision? Or can not knowing actually bring some additional value to our existence?

Dealing with uncertainty is not easy

As much as we love knowing, we have great difficulties with tolerating uncertainty. A study from University College London found that uncertainty can cause more stress than painful stimuli. Researchers showed that knowing that there is a small chance of suffering a painful electric shock can lead individuals to experience significantly more stress than those who know that they will definitely receive the same shock. According to the authors, it seems that this uncertainty-related stress applies to all sorts of situations. Just think about how you felt the last time your train was delayed, and you did not know how long you still have to wait. Or when you started dating a new person and you did not know if this person really liked you back.

Thus, a sudden invitation to remain with the ambivalence of not knowing, especially in our society where the notions of mastery, time, progress, and productivity matter more than ever, might seem, if not useless, at least frightening. Still, what if I told you that not knowing can be actually good for you!?

The light is much better here!

In his recent book, the author and economist Russ Roberts gives a touching and convincing account of how stepping into the darkness of unknowing can be actually good for us, even if we very much dislike it. He explains that we are pulled toward what gives us a feeling of certainty and control. But with certain types of decisions, this might be misleading. In his book, he uses a metaphor to illustrate this phenomenon.

Imagine a person coming home late in the evening, suddenly realizing they lost their keys. The person starts to search under the streetlight. Another person comes along and offers to help. They search for a little while, but the keys are still not there. The helper asks,

“Did you lose them here?”

“No,” says the key’s owner, “but the light is much better here.”

One might be tempted to collect the data on what we know, which might seem an acceptable choice, given the circumstances and the lack of better alternatives. Roberts suggests, however, that focusing on what we know might be like searching the lost keys where the light is better, instead of exploring the whole range of possible choices waiting for us in the darkness. In his opinion, we all dislike stepping into darkness because it may turn out badly. We might be disappointed by the place we end up in, and we must confront our own decisions afterward. He proposes; however, that we all can benefit from dipping our toes into the unknown because only through experience can we figure out what we want. But, most importantly, while experiencing we can figure out who we actually want to become, and connect to our deeper values and meaning.

Surprisingly enough for an economist, who usually offers simplified models of reality that can be tested, Roberts argues instead that our major life decisions (what he calls wild problems) are exactly where data and analytical techniques may not be helpful. So if you are asking yourself if it is the right moment to move to a different country, if the person you are dating is the right one, if it is the right time to become a parent, or whether it is a good moment to make a radical career change; probably a cost-benefit analysis on an Excel spreadsheet may not be the right tool! Instead, a little step into experiencing the uncertainty might bring some interesting insights. However, be careful, it is not an easy task.

Indeed, as Jess Linz and Anna Secor put it in their commentary, with ambivalence one can experience being both love and hate, passion and indifference, punctuality and constant lateness. Until one decides to align it to a certain knowledge system when it becomes an act of going towards or pulling away. The ambivalence of not knowing might thus give us a glimpse of different realities that opens new possibilities.

“To be left with ambivalence (…) is to be left feeling multiplicities about it, where everything is possible, and ontologically indeterminate (…)”

It is therefore up to us to stretch this rather rigid mind muscle a bit and cope with the distress that naturally arises when we are faced with uncertainty. But it is not an easy task. Paraphrasing a feminist, Sara Ahmed, we have been taught to describe our lives as flawlessly clean, without revealing the struggle we have in getting somewhere. But life is, in essence, a sweaty exercise, in which we rise and fall, laugh and cry, and experience joys and sorrows. Life is where we generate ‘sweaty life experiences’ rather than spotless ones while growing and discovering who we are and whom we want to become along the way.

The Cloud of Unknowing

But what can we do once we step into the darkness of unknowing and start to sweat? Professor Tom Lutz reflects deeply on this topic in one of his  lectures. He mentions the work of an anonymous English Christian monk entitled “The Cloud of Unknowing” which might give us some answers. The monk states in his book that the best thing we can do with unknowing is to experience it. He recommends approaching unknowingly as if we were walking in the cloud. This, in turn, might get us as closest to God as we possibly can.

I don’t know how about you, but I’ve never walked in the cloud. I can, however, remember my last walk in the countryside on a foggy morning. I could barely see anything through the tiny drops of water suspended in the air. As if experiencing the fog was the only thing to care about at that very moment. My steps were slow and careful, and I could do nothing but trust and hope that at some point the air would become clearer and I could start walking again with more confidence.

Ironically, I find that the level of trust I effortlessly apply while walking through the fog is significantly more challenging to find when making important life decisions. I can quite easily dive into the darkness of unknowing and fully experience it, while also compulsively over-analyzing this same experience, to retain some sort of control.

My way of dealing with wild problems feels like estimating the saturation of water drops in the air to obtain additional information about which direction to go or how long the fog will persist. Yet in the process, I miss the gentle touch of the fog on my cheeks, the way it penetrates my skin and many other sensations. It is not until I am so tired of my own mental workout that I can surrender to the experience itself. Only in those moments of pure mental exhaustion, when I allow myself to let go of understanding and knowledge.

A day might come when I will simply accept that I cannot model everything, especially the wild problems, avoiding the unnecessary pain of my self-inflected mental bondage. As Rogers says, recognizing that we are not in control does not necessarily mean that there is no control at all or that we should stop planning. Instead, he invites us to trust! He invites us to stay attentive to novel information that emerges as we pass through life, as an opportunity to amend the previous draft of our life plan.

“Unknowing isn’t ignorance; it’s recognizing a world flush with wonderment and puzzle and mystery.” Tom Lutz.

But, what should we do when we face our next major life decision? I will leave you with the ambivalence of a non-answer, just for the sake of experiencing how to not know after reading 1,938 words. Also, because you are the only person who can make this decision. In the meantime, you can remind yourself that whether we are rational or more spiritual, not knowing can actually be a powerful tool for personal growth, creativity, and self-discovery. By embracing our lack of knowledge, we can develop new skills, and open ourselves to new perspectives, and unexplored possibilities.

So, yes! I am guilty of not knowing for sure what I want in life. But hey, growing and flourishing as a human being means exploring who we are and learning from our experiences, right? And if you are, like me, a total over-analyzer, collecting bites of knowledge whether you can, you can either write an essay to tire your racing mind or take a moment to bring it gently back to experience the present moment. It can be surprisingly rewarding and delightfully eye-opening.

 JaiHind.. 🇮🇳 JaiBharat..